Sadly, my Nan went for the not so fine route, and died yesterday morning quite suddenly. Which, if you'll forgive the pun, has been the final nail in the coffin for us.

This isn't ging to be a lengthy update, cause frankly right now life requires my attention. Also, I'm aware several friends are also having tough times. But, I guess for the record right now:

- I have something wrong with me. Rattly chest and reduced peak flow. It was suspected pneumonia, now no one seems to know, I've been for chest xrays and we will see later in the week.
- Close family friend died yesterday, the whole thing was traumatic and painful for the last week or so. All I will say is it looks like accidental death and turning life support off does not equal immediate death evidentally. I wasnt able to say goodbye, because suspected pneumonia is not good to take into intensive care.
- My Nana has just been admitted to hospital. The same hospital above friend died in yesterday. Shall we just move in? She will either be fine, or not fine at all, only time will tell.

So to be honest, no, I'm not terribly okay right now.

We've all been sent home from work thanks to a gas leak leaving us with no heating in the office.

So during my lunch break before I begin to attempt some work from home (which is difficult - since I refuse to have patient-identifiable data anywhere other than my office), I am watching 'The Joy of Stats' which I missed last night.

I recommend it to anyone. The presenter is known to take a very light hearted look, at a very misunderstood (and often underappreciated) industry (for want of a better word). You can watch it on iplayer at http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00wgq0l/The_Joy_of_Stats/

 Secret:

1. Kept hidden from knowledge or view; concealed.

2. Dependably discreet.

3. Operating in a hidden or confidential manner: a secret agent.

4. Not expressed; inward: their secret thoughts.

5. Not frequented; secluded: wandered about the secret byways of Paris.

6. Known or shared only by the initiated: secret rites.

7. Beyond ordinary understanding; mysterious.

8. Containing information, the unauthorized disclosure of which poses a grave threat to national security.

    

I've been thinking about secrets a lot recently. Whether people realise it, or admit it, everyone has them to some extent. Some of us have those big, dark secrets, that we'll never tell anyone. Some of us have those smaller ones which we'll selectively tell those people we trust, or feel need to know. People have one or the other, both, or something completely different. However, I find it hard to believe when people claim to have no secrets.

Thinking about my own life I realise the smaller secrets are the ones that really don't concern me too much. My sexuality issues, my relationship status, and similar issues in my life aren't a 'secret' from anyone except my family. Rather than being a secret, or an open part of my life, there merely a part of my life I keep to myself, unless asked. Ask, and I'll tell you. So on some level they are a 'secret' to me, but not a damaging one.

My secrets, feelings and thoughts are truly the only things that belong to me, and me alone. No one has the right to tell me what to do, or how to live any of them. Therefore, I guard them all dearly. Whether I choose to tell a person how I feel or about what I'm thinking isn't necessarily a reflection on my trust of them, its just my personal decision.

Trust is a factor in whether or not I will talk and tell people private things, but it isn't the only factor. There's a lot of other reasons. Certain things I will only tell people on a need to know basis. Certain things I will never tell anyone, ever, and they have to learn to be okay with that.

In the last few months I have become somewhat selfish. I have decided that unless is benefits my sanity, or benefits the relationship I have with a person, then I feel no need to tell everyone everything about myself. I get nothing out of telling my every pain and secret to every person I know or meet. I know many people feel hurt that I don't share my worries with them, but I don't feel the need too, or feel that I should have too.

My best friend from college, Sarah, is the person I've known longest. We've been friends for around ten years, and were more open now than what we were when we were younger. I was looking at her internet profile earlier and read a line that she'd wrote in the 'About Me' section. It simply said 'I'll die before I tell your secrets' and, I know she would.

I have my secrets. Some of them are secrets because they need to be, some because I want them to be. Some things I will never talk about because I feel that people don't need to know about them, and I don't need to talk about them. What benefit do I gain from telling someone about my entire life and having them tell me 'Wow, that must have been terrible!' when actually, it really wasn't that bad.

Some events in my life are secrets because I don't feel the need to talk about them any more. For example, one of my friends died suddenly from leukaemia when I was 14. I was devastated for a long time, but now, I'm fine with it most of the time. Its a secret because its just something that happened that I feel no need to tell everyone about any more. No one in my life now knew him, no one ever will know him, and everything that I remember is becoming hazier as I get older.

There's a song that always gets stuck in my head when I think about this..
I'll keep you my dirty little secret,
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

And though the songs about a person, and not an actual event, its similar to how I feel. Once I tell someone something, that's it, I can't ever take it back. But for now, my thoughts and my feelings are my own. They are sacred, and they belong to only me.

(I'll write more about this some other time perhaps)